If You Were Gay
by Lil' Trindle
Summary: I basically took a song and rewrote it slightly. I think it's hysterical and hopefully you will too. Pretty much Draco is just looking for a chance to relax and have some alone time, but his best friend is determined to ruin it. Song from Avenue Q
1. Story

**A/N: Okay, so this is a songfic but not a normal one. I basically took the song, which included dialogue as well as singing, and rewrote the dialogue and gave the characters actions. So basically, anything that is said/sung is based on/from the song. I'll post the lyrics too. Then maybe it'll make more sense.**

**Also, this fic is not meant to offend ANYBODY. It's just a fun song from a rather twisted musical. If you find fault with it, I would suggest watching the musical, or at least listening to the soundtrack. It'll put the song into better context.**

**I was listening to this song and thought it would make a perfect story. It's from a musical so it's basically meant to be acted out anyways. I actually watched a couple of my friends sing the song and act it out once. It was highly amusing. They chased each other around our school's theatre waving their arms wildly. Good times.**

**Anyways, I'll just disclaim and let you read!**

**Disclaimer: The characters and setting belong to JK Rowling. The song belongs to whoever owns the rights to Avenue Q. The creative mushing together is all me.  
**

Draco Malfoy let out a content sigh as he leaned back in his favorite arm chair in the Slytherin common room. It was curiously quiet and empty of everyone but himself. Everyone else was at lunch in the Great Hall. _Finally! Some peace and quiet. I can sit here and relax, read a book, take a nap. No annoying housemates to bother me. What could be any better?_ The young man had just closed his eyes in order to relax further when his beloved silence was shattered.

"Hey Draco!" Draco's eyes snapped open then narrowed at the tall dark haired boy standing in front of him.

"Blaise." He acknowledged his fellow Slytherin rather irritated that his friend had disrupted him.

Instead of leaving as Draco had hoped, Blaise plopped down on the chair next to him and continued to talk. "Drake, you'll never believe what just happened at lunch! I was sitting next to this fifth year, no idea what his name is, and he kept smiling at me and trying to talk to me." He paused and Draco jumped in.

"How wonderful for you. You've made a new friend." He made this comment rather drily hoping his friend would get the idea that he wanted to be left alone. It didn't work and Blaise continued with his story.

"So then he started inching closer to me and I realized that he was hitting on me! He thought I was gay!" A burst of laughter followed this announcement as Draco watched, a horrified expression glued to his face. He recovered quickly and spoke in what he hoped was an indifferent tone.

"Why do think I would want to know about some lame kid hitting on you? Why would I care. I don't care at all!" He cleared his throat and tried to change the subject hoping to cover up how uncomfortable he was with the subject. "What were they serving at lunch, anyways?" Despite Draco's cool tone, Blaise sensed his uneasiness with the topic.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable!" Draco exclaimed, irritated. "I just don't see why I should care about some dumb kid being gay and hitting on you. I was trying to relax." Blaise continued regardless of Draco's glare of displeasure.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Drake. But come on! We're good friends and we're roommates. Shouldn't we be able to talk about stuff like this?"

Draco did not cease to glare as he snapped, "I don't want to talk about it! Consider the conversation over." He closed his eyes fully intent on ignoring the other boy.

"Oh come on..." Blaise attempted again.

"OVER!" Draco all but shouted, squeezing his shut eyes tighter. Blaise released a defeated sigh.

"Well, okay. But just so you know...  
IF YOU WERE GAY  
THAT'D BE OKAY.  
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,  
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.  
BECAUSE YOU SEE,  
IF IT WERE ME,  
I WOULD FEEL FREE  
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)"

The young man was grinning madly as he sat in his chair and sang to his clearly uncomfortable best friend.

Draco groaned at his friend's antics. "Blaise, quit it! I'm trying to sleep." He opened his eyes and saw Blaise's eyes on him, still grinning. "What!" Blaise laughed and continued his song, rising from his chair to stand in front of the blonde.

"IF YOU WERE QUEER"

"Blaise!"

"I'D STILL BE HERE,"

"Blaise, I want to take a nap!" raising his hands to his ears in an effort to block out his clearly insane housemate. Blaise continued as though there had been no interruption.

"YEAR AFTER YEAR"

"Blaise!" He tried jumping out of his chair but realized Blaise was in his way. He found himself on top of his chair instead.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR  
TO ME,"

"Stop!" He jumped to the floor putting the chair between himself and the singing teen.

"AND I KNOW THAT YOU" Blaise stepped on, then over the chair and towards Draco.

"What?" Draco answered while backing away across the room.

"WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO," Blaise stretched his arms out toward his friend.

"I would?" The back of Draco's knees hit the back of a sofa. He stumbled. Blaise kept coming.

"IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,  
'HEY! GUESS WHAT,  
I'M GAY!'  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

I'M HAPPY  
JUST BEING WITH YOU."

Draco looked wildly around, hoping to spot an escape route. He made a dash to his left and hopped over another piece of furniture. Blaise was unperturbed.

"SO WHAT SHOULD IT  
MATTER TO ME  
WHAT YOU DO IN BED  
WITH GUYS?"

Draco recoiled. "Blaise, that's just wrong!"

"No it's not!  
IF YOU WERE GAY  
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!"

"I am not listening!" Draco shrieked before beginning to flee in ernest. Blaise stepped up his pace and soon both boys were flying around the room, Draco scrambling over several more chairs and sofas in his desperation to put space between himself and Blaise. For hi part, Blaise continued singing at the top of his lungs.

"AND HERE I'D STAY,"

"La la la la la!" Draco clamped his hand to his ears once again trying to block out the unwanted voice.

"BUT I WOULDN'T GET  
IN YOUR WAY."

"Aaaah!"

"YOU CAN COUNT ON ME  
TO ALWAYS BE  
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,  
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,  
YOU WERE JUST BORN  
THAT WAY,  
AND, AS THEY SAY,  
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,  
YOU'RE GAY!"

"BUT I'M NOT GAY!" Draco shouted.

"If you were gay."

"Argh!" The exclamation came both because of Draco's exasperation with his friend and because he had just fallen over the back of his original arm chair. He slumped in resignation only to realize that Blaise seemed to be finished with his song. He opened his eyes to see his best friend standing in front of him once again. When their eyes met, Blaise burst out in uncontrollable laughter. Draco rolled his eyes and shifted so he was sitting in the arm chair properly. Blaise collapsed into the other chair, still laughing hysterically. "Are you finished yet?" Draco demanded, irritated. Blaise's laughtersubsided and the dark haired boy nodded. "Then maybe I can finally have my nap." But at that moment the door to the common room opened and a dozen or more students spilled into the room talking loudly. Lunch was over. Draco released a frustrated groan and slouched in his chair.

"Sorry mate!" Blaise offered in consolation.

"I'm going to do my homework." was the only reply he gave. "And I'm NOT gay." he grumbled as stood. He was followed by Blaise's laughter as he stalked out of the room.

**Lemme know what you think!**

** Erin**


	2. Song Lyrics

Here are the lyrics to the song. They're almost a story in and of themselves. **  
**

**ROD  
Aah, an afternoon alone with  
My favorite book, "Broadway  
Musicals of the 1940s."  
No roommate to bother me.  
How could it get any better than this?**

**NICKY  
Oh,hi Rod!**

**ROD  
Hi Nicky.**

**NICKY  
Hey Rod, you'll never  
Guess what happened to  
Me on the subway this morning.  
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me**

**ROD  
That's very interesting.**

**NICKY  
He was being real friendly,  
And I think he was coming on to me.  
I think he might've thought I was gay!**

**ROD  
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?  
Why should I care?  
I don't care.   
What did you have for lunch today?**

**NICKY  
Oh, you don't have to get  
All defensive about it, Rod...**

**ROD  
I'm NOT getting defensive!  
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?  
I'm trying to read.**

**NICKY  
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.  
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.**

**ROD  
I don't want to talk about it,  
Nicky! This conversation is over!**

**NICKY  
Yeah, but...**

**ROD  
OVER!**

**NICKY  
Well, okay, but just so you know —  
IF YOU WERE GAY  
THAT'D BE OKAY.  
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,  
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.  
BECAUSE YOU SEE,  
IF IT WERE ME,  
I WOULD FEEL FREE  
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)**

**ROD  
Nicky, please!  
I am trying to read...  
What!**

**NICKY  
IF YOU WERE QUEER**

**ROD  
Ah, Nicky!**

**NICKY  
I'D STILL BE HERE,**

**ROD  
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.**

**NICKY  
YEAR AFTER YEAR**

**ROD  
Nicky!**

**NICKY  
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR  
TO ME,**

**ROD  
Argh!**

**NICKY  
AND I KNOW THAT YOU**

**ROD  
What?**

**NICKY  
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,**

**ROD  
I would?**

**NICKY  
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,  
"HEY! GUESS WHAT,  
I'M GAY!"  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)  
I'M HAPPY  
JUST BEING WITH YOU.**

**ROD  
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...**

**NICKY  
SO WHAT SHOULD IT  
MATTER TO ME  
WHAT YOU DO IN BED  
WITH GUYS?**

**ROD  
Nicky, that's GROSS!**

**NICKY  
No it's not!  
IF YOU WERE GAY  
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!**

**ROD  
I am not listening!**

**NICKY  
AND HERE I'D STAY,**

**ROD  
La la la la la!**

**NICKY  
BUT I WOULDN'T GET  
IN YOUR WAY.**

**ROD  
Aaaah!**

**NICKY  
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME  
TO ALWAYS BE  
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,  
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,  
YOU WERE JUST BORN  
THAT WAY,  
AND, AS THEY SAY,  
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,  
YOU'RE GAY!**

**ROD  
BUT I'M NOT GAY!**

**NICKY  
If you were gay.**

**ROD  
Argh!**


End file.
